Doubt as Crisis

 Mark 10:46-52    Common English Bible

Jesus and his followers came into Jericho. As Jesus was leaving Jericho, together with his disciples and a sizable crowd, a blind beggar named Bartimaeus, Timaeus’ son, was sitting beside the road. When he heard that Jesus of Nazareth was there, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, show me mercy!” Many scolded him, telling him to be quiet, but he shouted even louder, “Son of David, show me mercy!”

Jesus stopped and said, “Call him forward.”

They called the blind man, “Be encouraged! Get up! He’s calling you.”

Throwing his coat to the side, he jumped up and came to Jesus.

Jesus asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?”

The blind man said, “Teacher, I want to see.”

Jesus said, “Go, your faith has healed you.” At once he was able to see, and he began to follow Jesus on the way.

The other day someone mentioned that they have a friend who says that they have no doubts. 

I bet we all know a few people like that

But that is not me!

I wish I could live with out doubts --- but I can’t.

It sometimes seems as if doubt is wired into my DNA --- and from what many of you have said to me this past week --- I don’t think I am alone.

Almost 15 years ago, I received this email from an 18-year-old college student.  A young woman who grew up in the church and believes strongly in the ethic of helping one another.

She wrote to me:

"I think it's a really good thing that you're working on a curriculum designed to help people deal with the questions and doubts that they should have about their faith. When I got old enough to realize how historically unreliable and intellectually fallible the Christian Bible is, I pretty much just gave it all up and was really angry because I felt like I had been lied to my whole life by teachers I thought I could trust at church. Kind of how a kid might feel when they finally figure out that Santa isn't real and that they were being systematically lied to.

As much as I wish I didn't, I still feel resentful. It's really fascinating though, what an incredibly huge role religion plays in shaping the beliefs, views, and actions of huge groups of people all over the world. I am actually considering taking on a theology major because I think it would be a huge asset in my quest to better understand why the world works the way that it does. Right now I am taking a class called "Women In The Bible" and it is really very interesting, but I feel weird because the people in the class all believe in God and Jesus. I don't have anything against any person of any faith, but I guess I just feel like they probably look down on people like me. 

One of my biggest struggles with Christianity is that we are known for shooting our wounded.

If you are active in a Christian Church --- particularly a more conservative form of Christianity (although they do not hold all of these cards) and you come out with your doubts --- you will quickly be instructed on the things that you need to believe --- and you need to believe them NOW.

For me it became a crisis of faith.

It wasn’t the doubts that created the crisis, but rather the dishonesty that had to surround those doubts.

I couldn’t talk about them

So I had to find ways to avoid or hide those doubts

And what I realized is that the hypocrisy and self-deception became more dangerous than the doubts.

The pretending was where the real tension in my life came to play

As I look back the crisis was not really over my doubts, but how others saw my wrestling with God.

And it came to a head over 20 years ago on a Sunday morning.

On the way out of the service a woman stopped me and complained about the translations we used and she said: “If the King James was good enough for Jesus, it is good enough for me!” and she stormed off.

I was dumbfounded --- I had no idea what to even say --- but as I reflected on it --- a few lightbulbs went off in my head.

I had absolutely no doubts that Jesus NEVER spoke the King James English --- he didn’t speak ANY English.  Aramaic would have been his native language --- but that fact did not seem important to that woman.  She was not about to let facts get in the way of her certainty.

I began to realize that the fear that some people put into me was unfounded --- You know --- the idea that if we question one moral absolute then you will soon be questioning them all.

The notion that doubt was a slippery slope and would lead to more doubt

But I was realizing that just wasn’t true

I came to understand my faith --- my religion --- not as a fortress to protect me --- but instead I began to understand faith as being a journey --- a path --- a road --- and one that I don’t always know where it is leading me.

Brian McLaren in Faith After Doubt writes:

The ancient truths weren’t the destinations.  They were like milestones or road signs, inviting people to reach them and then keep moving, looking for the next milestone or road sign, and the next, and so on.  Jesus wasn’t abolishing them; he was fulfilling their intention.  Their intention was to invite people to grow, to keep exploring, to continue the journey on the road of faith. But so many churches are using them to hold people and keep them from growing.  We’ve turned milestones into roadblocks.

One of the things that I have seen over my nearly 40 years is that confirmation becomes one of those milestones, but instead of inviting people to continue on to a more mature journey --- it becomes an exit ramp from active faith.  The number of youth (and families) that disappear after confirmation should be alarming to us all!

For me, seeing my faith as a journey allowed me to look at the questions, not as limits on my relationship with God, but instead as opportunities to grown.

In his book, Faith After Doubt, Brian McLaren develops the idea that there are four stages of growth in faith development.

Doubt, he argues is the passageway from one stage to the next.

Without questioning and wrestling with doubt we can grow within a stage, but we are unable to breakthrough to the next stage.

He developed the idea of faith being like rings in a tree --- each stage includes and transcends its predecessors.

I want to spend a few minutes this morning talking about what he considers the first stage of growth --- he calls this first stage SIMPLICITY.

He uses that term because everything revolves around a simple mental function of sorting almost everything into one of two categories.

In this first stage we master the mental skills of dualism --- learning to distinguish between this and that --- Good and bad --- right and wrong.

Important things that we all must learn to stay safe --- but simplicity can only take us so far on our journey.

This dualism --- particularly social dualism --- creates a strong sense of loyalty and identity among us. 

But it also creates a strong sense of anxiety and even hostility about “others”, outsiders, and the outcasts.

This first stage is built on trust.

The young woman in my email trusted her teachers when they told her that Adam and Eve ate an apple given by a talking snake.

Just like she trusted her parents that Santa and the Easter Bunny were real

What matters in this first stage is Simple trust

Simple obedience

Simple unquestioning loyalty

The sad reality is that faith and religion are a strictly stage one phenomenon for millions if not billions of people.

          

In this first stage --- God is the up there --- setting the rules --- demanding trust --- requiring obedience and mandating punishment when rules are broken.

In this first stage God is much like a parent to a small child

But any of you who have had children know --- they eventually grow up and move into adolescence and the parenting skills and practices that you used with a toddler don’t work well with a teenager.

This stage of simplicity is in many ways like school --- we are taught the basics; we learn the morals necessary for independence and as we learn these things we want to move out and live with that new found freedom.

The only way out of this stage is doubt.

It is kind of funny --- the one group in the church that often wrestles openly with this doubt are those young people going through confirmation.

They begin questioning that the rules are always absolute

Why is homosexuality an absolute but tattoos, or mixed cloth garments aren’t?

Why is slavery allowed in the bible?

Questions most of us want to avoid.

They notice inconsistencies in the biblical stories.

How we react to their questioning and doubts makes a huge difference if they continue on this journey or check out after reaching the milestone called confirmation.

Next week I will look further at these stages, particularly the second and third stages.

Just so you can begin thinking about it --- McLaren calls the second stage COMPLEXITY.

The stage of Simplicity focuses on dualism.

In our Gospel story this morning we are told that Jesus has been at the town of Jericho and is now getting ready to make the trek up to Jerusalem as the next story in Mark’s Gospel is Jesus’ triumphal entry into the holy city.

As Jesus was leaving Jericho, together with his disciples and a sizable crowd, a blind beggar named Bartimaeus, Timaeus’ son, was sitting beside the road. When he heard that Jesus of Nazareth was there, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, show me mercy!” Many scolded him, telling him to be quiet, 

What is going on here?

As Jesus is leaving town, with a large crowd gathered around him, and a blind outcast man begins to shout at Jesus.

You don’t do that

Can you imagine if the beggars around our city --- instead of walking back and forth carrying their signs on the street corners --- instead began shouting at us!

The rules of society today and in Jesus’ time was that the outcasts were to keep quiet and not bother the rest of us.  And so, we should not be surprised when the crowd begins to tell him to be quiet.

But what does Bartimaeus do?

“he shouted even louder, “Son of David, show me mercy!””

The rules were simple --- blind people were that way because either they or their parents had sinned, and the blindness was God’s punishment on them.

Bartimaeus refused to believe those rules and thought there was more to faith than what he had been taught.  And he had heard the stories of Jesus saying “You have been told, but I tell you”, in which he would re-interpret the rules in a new way.  He wanted to experience that faith --- even if the crowd didn’t want him to.

Jesus said to his disciples and the crowd, “Call him forward.” . . .

Throwing his coat to the side, he jumped up and came to Jesus.

Jesus asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?”

The blind man said, “Teacher, I want to see.”

Jesus said, “Go, your faith has healed you.” At once he was able to see, and he began to follow Jesus on the way.

His faith made him well --- I love that statement --- where did he show FAITH?

He broke the rules of society!

If he had faith --- it was that Jesus was bigger than those rules!

Simplicity is like a well-worn cozy blanket that we wrap ourselves in.

It gives us the rules and the norms to live in society.

But --- when things are not so neat and easy 

When a baby dies

A child gets cancer

A loved one loses their job

Then we are stuck with trying to figure out what we do.

And at that point we have a choice --- we can sit quietly (like Bartimaeus was supposed to do) or we can do what he did and seek another way.

I love the book Life of Pi and the quote from it at the top of your bulletin.

If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” then surely we are also permitted doubt.  But we must move on.  To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.

And that is the goal --- to use our doubt to help us grow in our relationship with God and each other --- not to stay stuck in it.  

Where do you doubt

What are the sticking places in your faith journey?

Bring them to God and allow God to help us use them as we grow in love for God and each other.  Amen.

Retirement Letter to Meridian Street UMC

As many of you know, this past year has been personally challenging. Many great things have happened, but also some life altering ones. The death of my father, and the arrival soon of our grandson has led Nancy and me to contemplate what comes next in our journey together. Like many of you, COVID has forced us to look at our lives in new ways. As a result of much soul searching and prayer, we have decided to retire from active ministry at the end of this conference year.

 

During our six years at Meridian Street many exciting things have taken place and we have created some lifelong friends. We have seen many improvements to the building such as completion of the Welcome Center, painting of the church, remodel of the parlor kitchen, two new playgrounds and the addition of the beautiful Celebration Terrace that was recently dedicated.

 

In addition, we have seen many new and exciting opportunities for personal growth; mission trips, Serve Indy, new and expanded partnerships with many agencies in our city, and bible and book studies to help us grow closer to God and learn how diversity and justice can co-exist in this world. Furthermore, there were many creative ways that we learned to adapt during the last year and a half, not the least of which is the addition of Livestream in the Sanctuary allowing us to connect in amazing ways. All of these have positioned Meridian Street for a bright future. The opportunity to be here to celebrate the 200^th Anniversary is the icing on the cake.

 

The Staff Parish Relations Team was notified of our decision last Thursday, and it was announced on Sunday during the worship service. I will continue as your pastor until the end of June 2022 and look forward to many opportunities to share the love of Christ with our neighbors.

 

Thanks for all that you do to share the love of Jesus and help build God’s kin-dom.

 

Peace, 

Steve & Nancy Conger

DOUBT: Yes I am a Christian Filled With Doubt

 Genesis 32:24-30    Common English Bible

Jacob stayed apart by himself, and a man wrestled with him until dawn broke. When the man saw that he couldn’t defeat Jacob, he grabbed Jacob’s thigh and tore a muscle in Jacob’s thigh as he wrestled with him. The man said, “Let me go because the dawn is breaking.”

But Jacob said, “I won’t let you go until you bless me.”

He said to Jacob, “What’s your name?” and he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name won’t be Jacob any longer, but Israel, because you struggled with God and with men and won.”

Jacob also asked and said, “Tell me your name.”

But he said, “Why do you ask for my name?” and he blessed Jacob there. Jacob named the place Peniel, “because I’ve seen God face-to-face, and my life has been saved.”

Each week Garrison Keillor would begin his monologue on a Prairie Home Companion with these words: "Well, it's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, Minnesota, my hometown, out there on the edge of the prairie."

Well, it’s been anything but a quiet week here at Meridian Street in Indianapolis

• From Nancy and my inability to get home before last Sunday morning

• In my 36 years as an ordained pastor, I have missed only two Sundays that I was scheduled to preach --- last Sunday and 28 years ago, when Haley, my youngest daughter decided to be born on a Sunday --- Elvis filled in for me that day (well an Elvis impersonator)

• To getting all the final details ready for the big 200th Gala on Thursday

• I have a secret to share --- it you promise not to tell --- yesterday was Raina’s 50th birthday

• To trying to figure out how we could have Staff Parish meet this week

• Which culminated in the announcement Dan shared at the start of the service --- that Nancy and I will be retiring at the end of this conference year.

Yes, it has been anything but a quiet week here at Meridian Street in Indianapolis

Earlier in the week I got a call from a member of a church that I served over 25 years ago, asking if I would meet with her niece.  

She is a young woman (in her late 20’s early 30’s) who was struggling in her battle with what appears to be terminal cancer.

Doctors had recently told her that there was nothing more that they could do --- and as you can imagine she was depressed and struggling mightily.

As I met with her, she told me she was afraid --- 

I asked her what she was afraid of, and she answered much as you would expect:

Fear of dying young

Fear of missing out on life

Fear of the process of dying

But what was one of the most prominent fears was her doubt --- which then made her fear for her salvation.

Can/will God welcome someone who has doubts into the kin-dom?

Or are they doomed to hell?

Probably not a worry for most of us, who are gathered here today

But it was a question of eternal significance to her.

It has been reported that 65 million adults --- who are alive today --- have dropped out of the church --- about 2.7 million each and every year.

People who study these things identify a number of reasons that people leave.

Brian McClaren in his introduction to his book Faith After Doubt writes:

Some leave because they begin to doubt God or the Bible or some of the doctrines and practices required by their churches.  Many leave because they begin to doubt the church or synagogue or mosque itself as an institution worthy of their trust and support.  Whatever the focus of their doubts, at this very moment, hundreds of thousands of people are watching their doubts grow and their religious identity weaken.  

You may be one of those people.

Powerful and scary words --- especially when we consider that the church is the one place where you are told that you are not to have doubt.

We celebrate people of great faith!

We rarely talk about those who doubt --- unless of course they saw the light and got over it.

But if you persist in asking questions --- you are often silently and sometimes not so gently shoved off to the side --- as if we were afraid that their doubt might be catching.

I can’t tell you when my doubt became real --- but I can remember times --- waking up in a cold sweat wondering how I could continue to pastor --- in the midst of my doubt.

I remember telling a friend (a fellow clergy person) about my doubts and their response was that I should quit --- that was a long, long time ago.

But some of the doubts remain . . .

Jacob is one of my favorite characters in the Bible.

Jacob was the younger of twins, and throughout the pregnancy he and his brother Esau were fighting in the womb of their mother, Rebecca.

Rebecca is rather unhappy about this fighting that is going on inside of her and she takes her struggle to God and we are told that she asks God “why?” 

          “Why is this conflict going on within my womb?”

And the text tells us:  (Genesis 25:23 The Message)  

Two nations are in your womb,

    two peoples butting heads while still in your body.

One people will overpower the other,

    and the older will serve the younger.

The story goes on  (Genesis 25:24-26 The Message)  

When her time to give birth came.. . . The first came out reddish, as if snugly wrapped in a hairy blanket; they named him Esau (Hairy). His brother followed, his fist clutched tight to Esau’s heel; they named him Jacob (Heel).

Jacob, in Hebrew Ya’akob, means “supplanter.”

It was the perfect name for Jacob, as it spoke of his tendency to want to get ahead, to try and turn the tables and change the outcomes —

so that the smaller could become the greater, 

the younger could gain the privilege of the older, 

the one with little could get a lot.

There are a number of stories in Genesis about Jacob trying to best his brother.

          In one story he convinces Esau to sell his birthright for a bowl of stew.

In another he and Rebecca create a plan to trick old, blind Isaac (his father) into giving his blessing to Jacob, when it should have gone to Esau.

When Esau finds out what has happened, you can imagine he was just a little upset at his brother for stealing their father’s blessing, and we are told that because of his brother’s anger --- Jacob the deceiver flees for his life.

Chapter 28 of the book of Genesis is all about Jacob on the run from an angry and murderous Esau.

On his way to his uncle’s home in Haran he lies down and dreams a remarkable dream. In his dream the Lord is poised atop a ladder, or a stairway, and from this place the Lord makes a promise to Jacob:

(Genesis 28:13-15 NRSV)  

And the LORD stood beside him and said, "I am the LORD, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac; the land on which you lie I will give to you and to your offspring; {14} and your offspring shall be like the dust of the earth, and you shall spread abroad to the west and to the east and to the north and to the south; and all the families of the earth shall be blessed in you and in your offspring. {15} Know that I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."

• I am with you, God says.

• I will protect you wherever you go.

• I will bring you back.

• I will not leave you.

At the heart of these promises is the promise of presence and protection. 

God commits God-self unconditionally to be with Jacob.

As far as we know, this is Jacob’s first encounter with God. And the interesting thing is that the promises, by themselves, are not enough for Jacob.

He still doubts

          Jacob wants proof.

          Jacob wants to KNOW that God will deliver.

So, when he wakes from his dream, Jacob makes a vow.

It is an interesting vow:

(Genesis 28:20-21 NRSV)   

"If God will be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat and clothing to wear, so that I come again to my father's house in peace, then the LORD shall be my God,

God’s promises to Jacob were unconditional. Jacob, however, lays down conditions.

Jacob is concerned for his survival, for his safety, and for his well-being.

He is not certain that he can trust God --- and God’s promises.

I don't know about you, but too many times in my life I am just like Jacob.  

God promises unconditional love, but I offer back conditions.

Eventually Jacob's past catches up with him.

The deceiver is deceived by his uncle and unaware he marries the ugly older sister instead of the beautiful sister that he loves.

After all kinds of twists and turns, the time comes for Jacob to return home. 

In order to go home, he must face his past.

He must acknowledge those bad moments in his life.

And for the first time in his life --- Jacob feels afraid.

He is afraid of what his brother Esau might do to him.

Jacob decides that maybe he can placate Esau by bribing him --- again trying to be in control.

So Jacob sent send messengers ahead bearing extravagant gifts of goats, sheep, camels, bulls, and donkeys, 550 heads of livestock in all.

But before that can happen, Jacob encounters God and learns what it really means to see the face of God — to engage, to wrestle, in authentic relationship with another.

After Jacob has sent his possessions and his family — everything that he owns; to the other side of the Jabbok — he is utterly alone. 

It is then that we read this remarkable story:

(Genesis 32:23-28 NRSV)   

Jacob was left alone; and a man wrestled with him until daybreak.  When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he struck him on the hip socket; and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. {26} Then he said, "Let me go, for the day is breaking." But Jacob said, "I will not let you go, unless you bless me." {27} So he said to him, "What is your name?" And he said, "Jacob." {28} Then the man said, "You shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with humans, and have prevailed."

This encounter is a turning point in Jacob’s life.

When Jacob wrestles—truly wrestles — with God — He receives a new name, and with that new name, he is transformed. 

          He is, as Paul writes in Galatians “a new creation”.

It was not an act of faith that made Jacob – Israel.

Jacob did not ascend to some faith statements

What changed Jacob was the fact that he wrestled with God

In all of his questions and doubts

He never believed --- but he learned to belove

When I look back at those critical moments in my life I find one constant

          Not that I have the answers to all the questions that I wrestle with

What I have come to understand is ----

          I don't wrestle alone

God wrestles with me

God weeps with me as I visited that young woman when I had no answers

God weeps with me over the ongoing violence in our city.

God weeps with how we, his children, have become divided over so many issues that are not eternal

          

I do not have the answers 

--- but what I do know is that God is willing to wrestle with me

God wants to wrestle with you too

For the next few weeks, we are going to look at what it means to doubt

And how we can still be a follower of Jesus in the midst of that doubt.

Søren Kierkegaard --- one of my intellectual heroes --- suggest that for one to truly have belief in God, one would also have to doubt one's beliefs about God; 

Did you hear that?

He goes on:

the doubt is the rational part of a person's thought involved in weighing evidence, without which the belief would have no real substance. Belief is not a decision based on evidence that, say, certain beliefs about God are true or a certain person is worthy of love. No such evidence could ever be enough to pragmatically justify the kind of total commitment involved in true theological belief or romantic love. Belief involves making that commitment anyway. 

I am a Christian --- full of doubt --- but full of the conviction that God loves me --- anyway!

And God loves you too!  Even in your doubts.

My prayer --- is that Meridian Street --- and each of us who call Meridian Street home --- can welcome the doubters and give them the room to wrestle with God.