Fred Conger part 4

It has been a couple of days since Dad died peacefully at the Seasons Hospice in Naperville.  Since then, I have been launched into a whirlwind.  I know my experience is no greater or traumatic than anyone else’s --- this is just a place I can work out my thoughts and emotions.

As I wrote earlier, I stayed with Dad at Delnor hospital Thursday evening.  It was a long and challenging night.  He was very agitated and every time I would get him to settle down, a nurse or aide would come in to poke and prod him.  He would get worked up and upset.  That lasted until about 3:00.  He would sleep a little and fuss a great deal.  I think I got 3 or 4 ten-minute naps in.  But around 3 everything seemed to change.  He began to carry on a conversation with someone (I have no idea who it was) and I could never understand what he was saying.  I would catch a word or two every now and again, but otherwise it was gibberish (or maybe speaking in tongues).  It was a very animated conversation, but it was peaceful.  He did not seem as agitated.  That continued until about 6 am, when as suddenly as the conversation began, it came to an end.  I think he was arguing with Stewart; he had come to get him, but he wasn’t quite ready yet.  A couple of times he called out for Scott, and whenever he was clearly upset, he would call out for Carol.

The early morning was pretty uneventful.  Felicia his nurse on both Thursday and Friday morning was wonderful.  She did everything she could do to make him comfortable, knowing that we were not trying to heal him, but rather help him turn the page on this life.  I kept thinking of Diane, Stewart’s nurse at the end of his life.  There are some very special people out there.

Friday at about 10:30 they loaded up Dad from Delnor to make the trip over to Seasons hospice.  He was pretty drugged up, and really from that point on he was no longer aware at all of anything that was going on around him.

Nancy and I stopped at Scott’s house to take Zeke out and then drove my mom to Naperville, grabbing lunch along the way.  When we got to Season’s they filled us in on their rules (2 visitors only and not allowed to leave the room) because of his having a positive COVID diagnosis.  Nancy stayed with the car while we went in, they told us that they would bend the rules if he got close.  After Casey got on the phone the rules were eased and they allowed all the grandkids to come and be with Dad.

It was clear that he was close to dying, but just not quite ready yet.  Scott and Joette (along with their grandson Daniel) left Florida early Friday morning to try to get back.  We thought he might be hanging on to talk with him.  I texted back and forth with Scott and we decided to have him FaceTime dad and say goodbye.  They found a safe place to stop and had a nice, tearful conversation.  We continued to remind Dad that it was OK for him to let go, that mom would be taken care of, and that we loved him dearly.  We attempted to sing a few hymns and then suddenly Rev. Claude King from First UMC Downers Grove appeared.  He did a great job in helping us as we grieved by inviting everyone to share a memory of Gdad.  He lead a powerful prayer and we all felt the grace and presence of God.  

He just wouldn’t let go.  Scott Joseph (the youngest grandchild) and his wife Melissa live in South Dakota.  He had talked to Gma earlier in the day but had not talked with Gdad.  Casey arranged for him to call.  After the call somehow, we were talking about how Gdad loved to bounce his grandchild on his knees and tell tall tales or sing McNamara to them.  I just began singing.  We could not remember all the words (sorry Gdad) and we were horrible, but BUT it was what he needed.  In the middle of singing, I saw him leave.  As soon as the song was over, I told Casey who was holding his hand, that he was gone.  We gathered around the bed, cried, and laughed.  It was 6:30 p.m. when he died.

Scott wasn’t to get back until almost 8:30 so we decided to go and get something to eat (only then realizing that it was a Friday night and everything was packed).  The kids took the lead and decided for us to meet back at Scott and Joette’s and they would bring in food.  

I know I was still awake when Scott and Joette came home, but I was beyond exhausted I really hadn’t slept the night before and it all caught up to me.  Haley went to Gma’s apartment with her to spend the night and left us her dog Cora.  I went to bed, and once I was finally able to get Cora to settle down slept long and hard.

Saturday, we gathered as a family to begin the process of planning and grieving.  We brought in food to Scott and Joette’s and the kids laughed and played.  It was just want we all needed.  After lunch we went to the funeral home and then Nancy and I drove back to Indy.

As we were going through the Lafayette area, we encountered the worst storm I have ever driven through.  Blinding rain, pelting hail and wind!  We crawled at 25 mph or so, and eventually got in front of it to clear skies back home.

Sunday was our first day back in person at Meridian Street.  So many changes.

Over the years my dad has written down his funeral wishes (we all need to do that!).  Generally, they were handwritten, and most of the people he wanted to lead his service have died.  This latest one was dated July 25, 2016.  In it he asked me to be in charge of the service --- I am humbled beyond belief.  Steve Howland, his friend and colleague will share most of the service. I cannot express in words the way that both of those men have shaped my life.

We are planning on celebrating the gift of Fred Conger at 1 pm on Monday, June 28th at the Downers Grove United Methodist Church.